Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Super Bowl XLI: Worst Everything Ever

I'm starting to enjoy watching this Super Bowl matchup eat away at the predominantly right-coast media. We're barely into the longest two weeks of their lives and they're already failing at covering the game with any class.

They're too pissed off to even bother trying to hide their nasty, snarky nature that they dole out in smaller doses throughout the season.

There's no Jerome Bettis retirement, no Patriots "dynasty" to fawn over. So what better way to attack it than pick out some easy targets to beat up on, groundlessly stamp some stuff the Best or Worst Ever, and then shut the laptop down.

I won't deny that the Midwest isn't very exciting and is inhabited largely by Bushpeople. Doesn't mean our football teams aren't worthy of the Super Bowl and we shouldn't get to enjoy it.

I'll just mention a few belabored untruths from the early returns. Play along at home as you hear more, over and over and over ...

Untruth: Prince doing the halftime show in 2006 is a damn joke.

For example, Peter King: "Good thing the NFL is promoting the Prince Super Bowl appearance so heavily. It would also be a good idea to promote some of his music, because he hasn't had a song any of the human race has heard since, oh, about 1999."

I presume the "Worst Performer Ever" label can't be used, even by a blustery fool like King, because no one can ever change that Up With People provided the halftime entertainment on 4 occasions.

But whether King and all the other shouters and jokers are aware or not, Prince's album debuted at No. 1 on the Billboard charts earlier this year, the first time that happened in his career. He's nominated for 5 Grammy awards and had a song in the popular movie "Happy Feet."

Pretty sure many members of the human race heard some of Prince's songs this year, let alone since 1999. By some measurements, he's more popular than he's ever been.

Good try, Pete, but you're just being an asshole again. Not for nothing, if you want to be bitchy and elitist, why wouldn't you just gripe about why Billy Joel is singing the National Anthem? That would make some sense. Be the first to predict that Billy drives his car through the wall of Dolphin Stadium. He deserves the ribbing, the drunken old sod.

Untruth: Rex Grossman is the Worst QB Ever to play in a Super Bowl

For example, Don Banks: "Grossman is the worst Super Bowl quarterback since guys like New England's Tony Eason and Miami's David Woodley made the big stage. And don't throw names like Trent Dilfer and Jeff Hostetler at me. They both won their games and therefore don't deserve inclusion."

So Banks went back 21 years to find a "worse" QB than Grossman. I've already read others say Grossman's the worst ever, and we'll read that again before the 2 weeks are up. Before I continue, the rip on Tony Eason doesn't make sense either. He was pretty good for a few years, but it's easier to be jerky and clever than looking that up that kind of thing.

Just call it the worst ever and put a bow on it. That's what Banks did with the AFC Championship game to make his point, as well. This was the Best Playoff Game Ever, he wrote -- better than the Super Bowls that came down to final plays and inches.

I also like how Banks has already called the Bears the losers in this game, dismissing the possibility that Grossman will win and therefore not qualify for his pithy commentary.

Grossman may be the most inconsistent, volatile, or frightening. He may even be the least intelligent or most ADD-stricken. He's not the worst ever. Not even close. He's also young. Not sure why these unhappy writers want to go out of their way to crap on him or how that increases interest in the sport they cover, but that's how they want to play it.

Statistically, Grossman has the lowest passer rating of a Super Bowl QB since John Elway. If they put the gun to my head and force me to play their game, both QBs in 2000 were worse than Grossman: Trent Dilfer and Kerry Collins. But what's the difference, really? What does that prove?

Untruth: The Chicago Bears don't even belong on the field for Super Bowl XLI

There has been no shortage of this sentiment, nor will there be this week. There was no way the mediocre Bears defense would handle the Saints' #1 offense.

The writers hated it throughout, but the Chicago Bears have been the best team in the NFC from game one, when they shut out Brett Favre for the first time in his career. Worst Quarterback Ever Rex Grossman threw 4 TD passes the next week, and so on.

Every week, the writers pined for a new darling of the NFC. They shoved them all down our throats one after the other. The Giants because they're in New York. Then the America's Team, the Cowboys and hourly indignation over Terrell Owens. Then the Saints. Then the Eagles and Jeff Garcia. Then the Saints again. Anyone but the Bears.

Doesn't really work out when your hot team loses and you have to pick a new one each week, while the Bears continue cruising as #1 in the conference, wire to wire.

Like it or not, the Bears and their pathetic offense led the NFC in Points Scored, scoring the same number (427) as the Colts. And the Bears allowed 255 points, the fewest in the NFC by 50.

Sounds to me like they belong, gang, and there may even be some excellence about their season that can be reported. We're all very sorry they're not a better story. Cheer yourselves up, go see a movie or listen to FM radio during these 2 weeks - they say it might soothe your savage breasts. Stay classy.

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